Falling From Grace
by Fiery Clover
Summary: **Chapter 1!** Snape leaves the Death Eaters but suffers from a kind of shell shock. Hermione eventually must keep him from falling back into the darkness of guilt and despair. Please R/R
1. Muggle Weaponry

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"And much of Madness, and more of Sin,

And Horror the soul of the plot."

**Edgar Allen Poe**

***

She was kneeling next to his chair when she took his hand in hers and kissed it. She was undeniably, incredibly beautiful, and he loved her, but perhaps not enough to do what she was asking.

"Please. I can't help if I don't know what you're thinking."

He brushed the hair from her eyes and closed his own. 

Then, he began.

***

It was a dark and stormy night. _How wonderfully cliché_, he thought, running through the never-ending expanse of forest. Branches leaped out, it seemed, just to slap him in the face. What lay ahead was terrifying, but why lay behind was unspeakably grotesque and...

_Wrong_, he thought with a shudder. _Horribly, utterly wrong, and you knew it from the moment you let him touch you. Cold and with the smell of death and nothingness clinging to him. You were a foolish child to think anything would change._

He heard the hex before it hit the tree behind him. "Bloody, _bloody_, hell!" he cursed softly. He ran a few paces more then crouched behind a bush. _They've found you, they know. You ran away from them. Lucius knew exactly what you were thinking, he knew exactly what had happened. Now, he'll hunt you down, he always knew you too well._

Severus could smell the sulphur rising from the ruined tree, he could also smell Lucius distinctly. Malfoy was beautiful in almost every sense. His body, his face, his hair, all perfect; his scent was no different. It was a mixture of pine needles and clear, fresh, water, but it had always been tinged by the sharp metallic odour of blood. That was what Lucius was for Severus, a paradox, and a fairly attractive one at that. He had joined for Lucius, and he had stayed for Lucius, but nothing could make him stay after tonight. He would not return to the dark lord alive, he would kill himself first.

_I would kill Lucius first._

Snape shuddered again and that was when he first noticed that his hands were not nearly as steady as he would like. He put his hands down to the forest floor to steady himself and peered through the bush. The soil was cool and fresh against his hands. Lucius was closer, he could smell him even with the bush directly in front of him. He reached into his robes and drew his wand silently. Distantly, he heard a twig snap.

Snape leaped into action, jumping from behind the bush into the clearing next to it. Malfoy was fast but Snape was faster. 

"Stupefy!" Lucius hit the ground hard and Snape let out a sigh of relief. He crept silently towards his fallen comrade. _No longer_, he thought bitterly. 

Severus bent over Lucius, his long, lank hair reaching down to brush the blonde's face. "What we could have become." He closed his eyes and touched his forehead to Lucius's, "forever a brother, and always an enemy." 

Snape sat back for a moment. He thought about killing him for a moment, if only to free him from the spell of the dark lord. If he were to kill him he would probably save hundreds of lives in the future. Snape closed his eyes. No matter how much he hated what the Death Eaters did, Lucius was still the boy he'd become a man with. No amount of muggles or mudbloods held a candle to him.

Snape stared at him for a moment longer taking in every last detail before he departed for the final time. He stood stiffly and thought of his home near Knockturn alley, the colours, the smells, the...

_The Death Eaters who are bound to be waiting for you. Did you think you could just saunter home sans worry of impending torture and death? You're more foolish than I thought._

Suddenly the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end and he heard something move behind him. By the time he spun around Lucius was on his feet with a dagger gleaming malevolently in his hand. Severus smirked slightly and his left hand trembled perceptibly. 

They stepped forward at the same moment. Both smiling slightly, both clearly without mirth.

"Muggle methods, Lucius?"

"Indeed."

He plunged the dagger into Snape, who's smile never faltered, though the pain was evident in his eyes. "My dear Lucius," he whispered, a ragged edge creeping into his voice, "I see you now believe we none of us have hearts, for you seem to have completely missed mine."

"Oh, Severus, I've only begun."

***

Eventually he managed to apparate to Hogwarts and crawl slowly to the gates. Albus Dumbledore did not recognize Severus as the young boy he'd wanted so desperately to convince of his individual worth until he looked into his eyes. No other part of him was vaguely recognizable. This would be the case for some months to come.

***

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A/N: Well I hope this interests you enough to keep with it. Eventually there will be romance, as alluded to in the beginning. If you're wondering what exactly happened with Lucius and Severus and why he was even alive to tell the tale, all will be explained next chapter. Snape's reason for leaving the Death Eaters and why he came to Dumbledore will also be elaborated on promptly. One more thing, don't mistake Lucius and Snape's relationship for anything more than a strong friendship, with some odd quirks. This isn't slash, although if you've got some good Lucius/Severus stuff, don't hesitate to let me know. **;) **


	2. Memories Not Quite Revisited

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"In the startled ear of night,

How they scream out their affright!

Too much horrified to speak,

They can only shriek, shriek . . ."

**Edgar Allen Poe**

***

Albus Dumbledore entered the infirmary not knowing exactly what to expect from his former pupil, and current Death Eater. He had to admit that he'd been ecstatic to find him, even in the condition he was in. Severus Snape was a man of principle, whether or not those principle's were moral or not was another question. Dumbledore knew it must have been something terrible to cause him to flee the Death Eaters when it was so clear that at one time he had devoted everything to them.

Including his soul.

Dumbledore sighed. He had tried to keep Severus out of trouble, had tried to encourage him to put his talents toward good and not evil, but he had failed. Miserably. Severus Snape was the worst lost Albus Dumbledore had faced, because he was so sure Hogwarts could convince him that working for the good was worth something. His misguided and, in retrospect, biased decisions regarding the Marauders escapades were most likely partially what drove the boy to the Death Eaters, and to Lucius Malfoy. By the time Severus was a sixth year, Dumbledore knew their bond was one that could not easily be broken.

So why in Merlin's name was Severus Snape lying in the Hogwarts infirmary with his body carved out by a wizard with extensive knowledge of daggers and Dark Magic?

Dumbledore shook his head muttered something unintelligible under his breath before he greeted Madam Pomfrey. 

"How is he?"

The old witch sighed and shook her head. "He will heal physically, although whoever did this to him must have used some sort of hex to cause him more pain when healing spells are applied. He howled like a madman when I tried to numb some of his more serious wounds. It was powerful Dark Magic, but from what I can tell he should heal eventually even without my help."

"I figured as much. It was fellow Death Eaters, I'm positive."

Madam Pomfrey looked at Snape for a moment before turning back to Dumbledore. "Something horrible must have happened, Albus, besides the obvious. He saw something, participated in something perhaps, that has taken something out of him. He slept no more than two hours last night. He woke up more times than I can count screaming and when I tried to touch him his whole body began to shake. His hands shake constantly when he's awake, I've never seen anything like it."

"It's something psychological. From what I've witnessed, and from what I heard last night, I imagine all that he's done for Voldemort is finally registering with him. This will be a long oad to recovery for him, I have faith he will be able to do so, but we must keep his presence here totally secret if we do not wish for him to be hauled off to Azkaban before he is recovered."

"I agree, but I can't keep giving him sleepless dream potions forever. Talk to him, perhaps you can pull him out of his despair." Suddenly her eyes misted over and she turned away. "I haven't seen him like this since his mother died, I don't think he's shed a tear since he was a second year, and now I don't even recognize him."

Dumbledore put a hand on her shoulder. "I will do everything in my power to help him. Now that we have him back I will not let him go."

***

Severus awoke to muffled voices on the other side of the curtain. The events of the previous night crashed into him like a hurricane, washing over him a new wave of despair and guilt. He curled himself into a ball, his back against the headboard. The shaking of his hands was uncontrollable and he cursed his body once again for being so damn unreliable. Every inch of his flesh ached, memories of Lucius cutting into him only served to intensify the pain. 

They had fought for what must have been hours. Two wands and a dagger serving to mutilate both of their bodies in a most brutal and grotesque way. Lucius came out of it the better, but Severus had managed to apparate before any deadly curses or blows were dealt. Some hex Severus was entirely unfamiliar with had coated each wound with a self-healing charm, directed at harming the bearer if any charms were administered to the wounds until they were completely healed. Lucius always had bested him in charms. However, Severus wasn't completely defenceless, he had always been the better duellist of the two. 

He was knocked from his reverie when Dumbledore's voice intruded. He looked up warily, expecting to see anger, betrayal, disappointment, certainly not sadness and that familiar twinkle. 

"Severus, why have you come back?"

Snape felt his mouth go dry and realized that he had apparated here more because he could remember it more clearly than anywhere else at the time than because he had any kind of excuse. But then he recalled why he had been running from Lucius and the others in the first place, and suddenly he felt ill.

He tried to run to the bathroom but his legs were too weak to hold him and he stumbled and fell upon stepping out of the bed. Dumbledore reached out quickly and held him as he emptied the contents of his stomach on the infirmary floor. When he was through he noticed that some of his wounds had reopened because of his fall and now blood mixed with bile to form something that smelled very much of the previous night. He began to dry heave and Madam Pomfrey came in quickly to resettle him. 

He remembered a potion sliding down his throat leaving a trail of cold with a metallic tinge. 

***

When Severus woke again it was night and Dumbledore was sitting across from him reading what looked to be a collection of old muggle poems. 

"Ah, Severus, I hope you will talk with me now, although if you would rather wait, I will understand."

Another wave of nausea threatened but he held it back and closed his eyes forcing himself to calm down. "I want to die, professor."

This was not wholly unexpected, although Albus was hoping for a different opening. "Why Severus?" He could see the younger man's hands begin to shake more violently, and he breath became ragged.

"Because," he managed to gasp out, "I deserve to be killed a thousand times, and I have lost everything worth living for."

"Why have you come back?"

Tears slipped through his closed eyelids and he was mortified at his weakness, and completely pathetic self. "I can't serve him anymore. I can't love Lucius anymore. I can't hurt you anymore."

He began to shake with the force of his sobs and he couldn't bear to open his eyes, let alone look his old headmaster in the face. He rocked himself back and forth, wishing he were anywhere but under the scrutiny of the older wizard. 

Dumbledore put a hand on his shoulder, and though Snape flinched automatically, he soon turned into the older man's embrace. Dumbledore soothed Severus until the sobs lessened and he laid back, utterly exhausted. "I can't tell you. . ."

"Shh, I know, child. Sleep, you will tell me when you are ready."

Soon after, Snape's breathing became slow and steady and Dumbledore knew he was asleep, for how long he was unsure. He stood and joined Madam Pomfrey outside the curtains. "He will recover, and though the temptation will be strong I believe he will not return to Voldemort of his own will."

The medi-witch nodded her head and reached for the sleepless dreams potions. Dumbledore began to leave but the turned suddenly and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Poppy?"

"Yes?"

"I think we may have another issue to deal with."

"And that would be?"

"Convincing Sirius, and Remus to leave before they and Severus discover one another."

"With their senses of smell it's going to be difficult." The wizard nodded, he was more than a little irritated by this new obstacle. "Well, Albus, they don't call you a genius for nothing."

"Indeed."

***

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A/N: Well I hope that sets more of the tone of the rest of the story, we'll only be in this time for a short while longer, eventually we'll get to Hermione and Severus. Please R&R,, I live off of them.


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